Fighting: For Women
This Woman's Battle Plan Against Porn Addiction
This information is written for women. It is direct. It is a reality that women try with all their might to ignore because it is so excruciatingly painful. But sometimes the only way out of a problem is through it. If you suspect your man is described below then help him with understanding, mercy and patience. 1 Corinthians 13:7 reads "Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things." Is this you? I pray it is me.
Healthy Love is like enjoying a normal crackling fire or glowing embers in your own home fireplace. Lust is when you think throwing in the furniture will make it "even better." It's that "even better" mentality that gets us into trouble....all of us. We live in a society where the media preaches to us constantly about how we can have it all "even better" for a low low price. When was the last time you heard some woman brag about the "even better" deal she got? The pleasure of the even-better is a merry-go-round that always brings you back to the same place you started. Pornographers & Soap Opera producers want you to believe their intimate displays are harmless, better and cheaper than the real thing.
Pornography is a sadistic teacher. Boys are born with the inclination to use everything they touch as a toy or a tool. Girls are born with the inclination to turn everything they touch into a person with whom to relate. Boys have to learn to treat people with respect - as people - while girls need to learn to stop projecting their dreams on other people like blank screens. Men and women are made in the image of God to reflect the divine in everything they do and we need each other because our qualities work in harmony with one another non-competitively.
Pornography appeals to the child within. It persuades a man to continue in his immature boyhood belief that everything and everyone is a tool or a toy for his manipulation. "Why go against nature?" say the pornographers. However, we are NOT animals limited by basic instincts. Mankind is capable of complex communication and genius intellect. Pornography teaches men that everything they needed to know they learned in Kindergarten - which is sheer folly - instead of building on the lessons and good examples learned throughout life. (For women, soap operas present a similar obstacle to education.)
Pornography drains his soul and makes an empty man even more empty. Viewing an obscene image literally takes a piece of his soul every time. The immediate pleasure is intense but emptiness is the only lasting feeling pornography can give. Being emotionally close to an addict is like living at the edge of a black hole... a bottomless pit. The proverb reads, "Death and destruction are never satisfied and neither are the eyes of man." He'll eat up the attention you give him and then discard the friendship like a used Kleenex. It doesn't matter what you look like or how pure your love is.... nothing can fill a bottomless pit.
Hypocrisy strengthens a porn habit. That is to say, your hypocrisy in any area of your life is all the excuse he needs to ignore you and keep spending hundreds of dollars on cheap thrills. He's a hypocrite too - but he can't see his own, only yours. Do all you can to invalidate his dark suspicions about you.
Pornography is idolatry of self. As the saying goes, "there's no package smaller than a man wrapped up in himself." He may live in frustration wondering why he can't persuade nice women to adore him as he thinks they should. He doesn't realize that he is a man who needs a woman's love and not a god who needs her worship. There is only one God and HE tolerates no rivals! He needs to accept the design limitations of the human psyche and stop expecting to rewrite the human basecode in an effort to become a god in her eyes.
Getting Close to an addict brings her grief, loss, emptiness, loneliness, desperation, frustration at being inexplicably pulled close and then pushed away, a sense of emotional abandonment, a sense of worthlessness, a sense of oppression, self-doubt and a variety of torturing fears. All these can be compounded by her own childish ideals and lusts. Alternatively, she may walk blissfully unaware in a self-centered fog of career ambition & attention-grabbing habits that she can't see past the end of her nose. Only by seeking genuine closeness will she discover the emotional land mines.
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde is a sad tale of a scientist who dared to feed his darkest passions and become a lustful man by night while remaining mostly sane by day. This is the sad description of the pornography addict. He is at war with himself and he will lose no matter what he does: He can lose his life by finding it in God Almighty or he can lose his life to the demon torments of paranoia, anger, bitterness and wrath. His Doctor Jekyll wants to be good and noble and worthy of a good woman but his Mr. Hyde is only worthy of a godless self-depricating harlot (preferably someone else's cast-off).
Woman is the perfect companion for man and she can help him in unique and amazing ways that no man is capable of. I believe men need and want a complete relationship (spiritual, physical, emotional etc.) and not just a physical one. A real relationship between man & wife is always more rewarding than a paper, video or male one. Only a man & wife can become one flesh and make a baby! This is why only a woman can complete a man and why he needs to verbalize his feelings about it with her.
Can you handle the truth? How strong are you? If you discover his videos/magazines/phone records, can you be strong? Can you calm yourself down, take a breather, take a little vacation and pull back enough to think rationally and proactively? Can he trust you not to look down on him? Do you have the sensitivity of a surgeon or do you come unglued - like a wildcat with claws? Most women head straight for the door and if you're not married to him, that's a wise move to make. If you are married to a porn addict, however, you'll need to consider other steps before filing for divorce.
Hold Love Lightly
You can make a big difference through your silent actions but it depends upon where your heart is. He may simply leave you when you attempt to discuss his lust problem so it's important to hold love as lightly as you can. Don't let your need for his affection turn into a lust for approval. Chances are, he picked you for that very reason because your lust for approval makes you easy to manipulate. Remember that you are not defined by whether or not a man loves you. God loves you and that is enough - man's love is just the frosting.
Many men will not respond well or appropriately. Many have developed bullying tactics and they'll act like they're not listening to you when they actually are. Some are so in love with themselves that they'd honestly rather sleep alone. Just don't give up. Even if you have to leave, don't give up praying for him and keep your heart open to opportunities to encourage him.
is found in the Bible. Specifically, it is found in 2 Timothy 1:7 which states, "God did not give us a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self-discipline." This medicine is only available to men who have genuinely given their lives to God, admited they have done God great wrong by ignoring Him and accepted the reality that Jesus Christ died the death they deserve and is now their Lord and Master.
He must embrace Jesus as the son of God and desire to follow him always. That confession requires a certain amount of humility, if it's genuine. Once a man has recognized those truths and made that decision, he can begin the cure.
From Cowardice to Courage. Courage is the simplest way to describe what he must now do. In practical terms, he needs to begin looking for areas in his life where cowardice has solved a problem and then turn that problem on its head by doing the opposite next time. Suppose he is afraid of social occasions where he might be exposed to scorn - like dancing. So if this coward doesn't dance, he needs to go take lessons. Or suppose he is afraid of public speaking? Then it's time to enroll in a speech or debate class at city college. Has he ever successfully controlled a horse? Go for a trail ride! Horseback riding is very healing as the horse's natural behavior and power must be controlled in order to be of use. Our emotions are just like that horse. Get the horse under control and you're half way to understanding how to control your own emotional responses.
These courageous acts would seem to have nothing to do with pornography but I tell you, addiction feeds on cowardice. Uproot that and the addiction will have nothing to latch on to.
Courageous Acts for Porn Addicts
- Read "At the Alter of Sexual Idolatry" by Steve Gallagher
- Stop watching Television and watch old westerns instead
- Quit the internet or switch to a text-only browser.
- Start a tactile hobby (build or rebuild something)
- Go to a church where they really study the Bible (not just one man's interpretation of it, but ancient history as a whole.)
Women need courage too. One of the most empowering things I can give to a woman who is linked to a porn addict is knowledge. So here's some more information to help you stand tall and be courageous. Click here to read on.